So it gone to this

Your gaze.
Cold as ice.
Makes me shudder in pain.

There wasn't a hint of warmness in them.
Like all the years of brotherly affection had slipped out of your cerulean orbs silently.
And what replaced them are merely frost blue distrust and disgust.

But I couldn't say that out loud could I?
I couldn't just express all this forbidden emotions and feelings I'm developing for you, for they are like a taboo to the morals, like thunderstorm striking the damp ground.

I fear for us, my love.

And yet here we are, wielding to our weapons as though we are enemies, yelling threats like they meant of how they should.
Seeking for more needles to pierce it onto each others hearts, thrusting out poison down the others throat, ferociously fighting for those useless victories.
All for those unsaid apologies.
And all for those petty vengeance and misery.

So as our colors clash onto each other like earth and thunder, like a battle of a devious panther and a courageous lion. The sides that we stood defending the so-called justice, but we knew it was just an aesthetic way of claiming our pride.

 I have not thought that my eyes begun to water.
Those foul little tears starting to threaten their fall, trying to remind me of how pitiful I am for being infatuated for whats not mine.

How pitiful of me to insert my heart, to insert my soul.
In you.

As my eyes were just a blurry sight, I couldn't really stand as though I had any longer.
Your hands grasped onto my shoulder, it's strength attempting to break it in one blow.

I wasn't sure if it was just an illusion I witnessed.

Your cries echoing in the air.
Yet my mind refuses to interpret them.
But, my eyes have not failed me. Entirely.

I think.

I just saw your tears.

I see there's no need for me to kiss you

My lips.
Your words.

My heart.
Your needles.

My wound.
Your scratches.

My blood.
Your taste.

My tears.
Your laughter.

My rage.
Your amusement.

My insanity.
Your pleasure.

I see there's no need for me to kiss you.
At all.

But do allow me to press my chapped lips onto yours.
Please allow me to have a taste of your cold, plush ones.
Let them merely pressed against the other.
Let the sparks be made, let the fire ignite.
There isn't any need to proceed into the oral transfer of saliva or any other of our words, sentences, or emotions.

And until it ends as it pitifully starts.
Please don't scream.
Because I do believe, that the blade impaled through your so-called heart doesn't hurt as much as it hurts mine.
And allow me to demonstrate it.
Several times.

As you said.
It was never a kiss.

Just a pity.

FREAK

A freak.
That's what I am.
There's no further understanding should be made on the hows and whys.
I just merely am.
It seems that there are simply nothing, nothing at all that could make me into something or someone better, into another level. Whether what kind of achievement would it be in, I couldn't care less.
But somehow, the sore pain that strikes as I read those words written by human itself, or spoken. Hurts like a needle piercing through my red thumping organ named heart.
Biologically, I own one.
Metaphorically, I do not.

And how I wish I do not.

The never ending dullness that seems to haunts me wherever I am tires me.
Like splitting my soul into two. Making it cry and laugh at the same time.
Out of despair, out of disbelief, and perhaps a tint of sadness.

Maybe... Just maybe.
One day, I could just throw myself over something, impaling my middle body over it.

Maybe then, those pain wouldn't hurt that much anymore.

I do hope my arrogance would be coming to an end. To see that it always stirs such nonsense out of the both of us makes me feel so old.
Perhaps I should just accept the fact that I would forever be considered in between.

Never the best. Never the worst.

Just like I've always been.

Anger (7 Sins)

Anger. Frustration. Both undeniably strong currently in my body.
Multiplying themselves like cancer cells, like making themselves home for the best.
Like something is eating me up from the inside.

I wish to destroy, to erase something's presence from the surface of the Earth.
But I couldn't.
Because logically speaking, everything that's vanished became what didn't.

If fury anger is red, then i couldn't understand why am I feeling pit-black now.
Felt like having a piece of cigarette, consuming drug to soothe my roaring rage from exploding from it's core.
To make sure I'm still human and sane as usual. To lie to myself that I would never hate you as the despicable being you really are.

So somebody, grant me a blade or a pistol.
For all I crave for to end this as though never-ending anger is something that could impale my soul and leave a mark on it's seemingly transparent being.
But would you ever know, the moment it went through the actually filthy piece of me, I will be release from it, and reborn again..

What I post on Fb (Part 1---English)

Kill me. If you can.

A bullet. A blade. Or anything that could impale my heart.

Come. I shall not even budge, as a gift to your imperfect skills of even grasping the item.

See, now you have a better chance in aiming me. And perhaps from there, I will die instantaneously. Wouldn't I? (smile)

If you could still find the remains of the confidence in you...

Why not.

Comrade.

I have a scarf. Knitted from my beloved sister.

I have a faucet pipe. That acts as my spokesperson in certain deeds.

I have these and that.

But I always wanted something. Something I desired through decades and centuries.

What was it again?

...I put on a little smile, and I remembered.

Wasn't it just you?

RusAme

No. No and No.

That's what my eyes are trying to tell you.You're a commie that grins like a creep and you're a psycho that makes people blood go cold.

No. No and No.

I hate it when you come so close (I've counted. Approximately 30 cm away from my face.) and shove your "Privyet, comrade" stuff at me.

No. No and No.

I hate it the way you looks so forlorn when I refuse to respond to your friendliness. As always.

No. No and No.

I hate the most when I go soft and reluctantly compel myself to ignore your short melancholic emotions.

No. No and No.

I'm no softie dude.

No.

But the way you look at me...

"I'm sorry." Was the only gibberish I manage to sneak out with my lips barely apart.

 ... No.

"That's all right little one."And the way you whisper that right into my ears.

"Yea. Thanks dude."

I couldn't say no anymore.

Rusame

"I hate you."Those little words that went out your mouth. Why do they hurt so?

"You're a big fat dummy. "I am? I have never acknowledged of that...

"You should. Since you are. Dummy."Alright. Whatever you say.

"... You shouldn't say that. "Why shouldn't I?

"Cause ya shouldn't. "...

"Ya should have said ' At least I'm not a hamburger brain with ice cream on the top', "I should?

"...Yea. So you're a... Big... Dummy..."Wait, why are you crying?

"Be, because..."

"I hate you so much.... I like you... "

"So get your dumb memories back... Dummy... "

RusAme

It's time like this where I shall make a new page in our lives.

You have not acknowledge my intention yet... So far so good.

But as my heartbeats goes hypersonic, and my stomach churns in a inhumane and abnormal way, I took my last sip of wine, and stood.

Replying your confused gaze with a light smile, I kneeled in front of you.

And in th...at age long 5 seconds, I said it.

"Will you marry me?"

RusAme... Fantastic.

I saw a dead cat by the street.

Oh wait. It's not dead yet.

I stood right beside it, watching it almost intensely with my violet ghoulish eyes.

It's alive. Almost. It's eyes are tightly closed, while beneath it's jaws are great splatters of blood. It's gasping furiously for air, it's throat going up and down on a tremendous pace. For 5 seconds I looked at it. Then I kneeled down and took it by my hands...

"You should live my dear." And with that, I ignored the blood smearing on my hands, and took it.

You should live.

Say it. The words that will make you go insane.

I wouldn't, for my dignity is far too great for doing such an incredible mistake. It's like pushing myself off a rocky cliff and into a straight black pit. I'm too right for this wrong. How could I even bear the grotesque of this infallible truth? But how could I even see through the right or wrongs? ---"I love you." "I love you too."

But it will never end... Through out the whole unexplainable crisis that begun...

-- Because it was wrong since it began.

RusAme

If saying I love you would reverse every nonsense that occurred in our pitiful lives,

"I love you."

If kissing your beautiful rosy red cheeks could get us a single shooting star,

' Smooch'

If hugging your fragile yet warm body could make both of our fears go away,

I will do it again and again until my limbs go numb.

If telling you how  miserable I feel without you could stop those crystal droplets from hanging on your beautiful face, I could say it not only through the phone, but through my beating heart.

Please my dear, don't go away. I wish for everything that's everything of pure happiness for the both of us.

I will hold on to your hand as if it's a poor man's gold.

I will, take you away from him, and take you as mine and mine only...

" Alfred----"

" Fredka---"

As I whispered your name in this moonless night---

" You will be mine."

" Вы моим будете."

We've put a curse on ourselves without any hell of a mercy---

Endless

It's like fireworks.
I get to know you, get to work with you, get to have a relationship with you---- everything out of a coincidence.
Yet this coincidence sparkles as though we were meant for each other since... Well. Forever.
Beautiful fireworks. Shoots out in the air without us knowing, and dies down without us seeing.

Just like us.


We never said the mushy stuff like I need you or I can't live without you.
No. We never said them.
Why? I don't know.
We just don't perhaps.
It's not like anything would change if we screamed it out loud like we want every sane human to acknowledge it.
Sorry but it's not my style, pal.

It always is.

But...

It's never too late.


---After watching awesome movie 'Brokeback Mountain'.
Love have no borders. It should never had and never will.

My love(RusAme)

My love, it's been days since I've spoke to you and it's been the same from you too.
I always thought we had the personality that fits and both our puzzles are done when we're together as one.
But why, why did a simple idea could have made such a war between us?
Your eyes were full of tears and hatred, and your face was scrunched into what I translated as abhorrence.
Why?
Both our ideology is considered well known, but why is it that you have to be the one to oppose it?
Is it because of mine is considered as wrong in the common knowledge of the beastly humans nowadays?

My dear...
As it hurts me so that you chose to launch a cold war between us, it hurts me even more when you've decided to break it into pieces that resembles shattered glass.

Now my heart is still aching for your warmth and yet you're still away.
It's been so long, it's been so silent here in my spine-chilling abode.
Why wouldn't you come back to my arms?

Please, and please.
Come back.
Now, with nothing on me that is worth a penny more than what you are now, I beg you.
I've changed, and I' reduced to pieces.

And now....
With you in my arms and your non-submitting moans...
I know,
I've won this Cold War in the end.


I still love you, darling.


Cold war----- RusAme